Hello Dirtbags and Ladies with dark red lipstick, we're bacccckkkkkkk!!!!!
...and we're here to WUSS YOU UP!!!
Biltwell’s El Diablo Run is coming up quick and we are sooooo excited to once again Wuss-y-Sponsor this year’s ride, although for legal reasons, we must add that this article and any information contained within is not approved by nor has any permission been give by anyone affiliated with Biltwell or any actual event. If it’s your first time riding down to San Felipe or wherever you end up lost, don’t be nervous Dirtbags. We will run you through what to expect, schedule of events with an up to date bail schedule, what weapons to pack and not-pack, common bribes, and a few other useful tips to keep you alive.
What to Expect
It’s Mexico. Welcome to the Third World; Drug Cartels, Cheech Marin, Chihuahuas, Cactus, The Dodgers, Monte Zuma and his Revenge Quartet, Donkey Shows and Painted Zebras. They beat people with Baseball Bats and cut off their arms and legs and heads with Machetes. They also lead the world in Telenovelas, a very popular form of television programs, much like your Mom's Harlequin Romance novels, only it's on television all day long on every channel. Phones typically don’t have the best service or any service at all. Can you live without WiFi? ...You will. Road conditions vary so keep an eye out for sand, massive pot holes (which have been known to swallow small children coming home from school), and turns without signage. The Wuss Ride encourages the smartest thing in every outdoor adventure; the "buddy system" with another rider or groups of riders, especially in groups of all males where no one wants to ask for directions (and probably no one speaks Spanish anyway) Have a plan if you break down. That's the MOST IMPORANT THING YOU NEED. What are you going to do when your bike takes a shit in Mexico? If you have an answer for that, you're good. If you think you're going to "wing it" well, alright then, enjoy the White Slave Market of the Middle East. Usually people will stop if you wave them down for immediate assistance but don’t be too much of a dipshit tourist in distress, be smart, cover your own ass, and ALWAYS carry extra gas. It is highly recommend to get insurance such as BAJA BOUND as your American moto insurance is no good in Mexico. Last time I checked AAA doesn't even go to Mexico (they don't, that's sarcasm) Print one copy to leave at home when your relatives try to find you and another on your body for the authorities to match. Mexico has an entirely different government and a different way of life that you may or may not agree with. Just stick with your group and keep your cool. I highly doubt you will have any issues until you start drinking but just be aware of your surroundings just as you would in any other city in America.
Schedule of Biltwell Events
THURSDAY: Ride to San Felipe. This is where the free camping is, first come first served. There will be tacos and beers at the camp’s watering hole “Ruben’s Campo” and people drinking and raising "Holy Hell" all night, insto the night, through the night, and well into morning. If you are the type that needs your beauty sleep, you're fucked.
FRIDAY: KEEP DRINKING!! The Ocean Tide is going to come in and wash out to sea all the drunk people who fell asleep on the beach and those still partying will be bobbing around the shallows like a herd of Beached Whales (men and women alike) Full day of activities are planned via Biltwell. They have a whole schedule and you are encouraged to join in on the fun! Mix, mingle, pick up more STD's than you ever thought possible and have a face down in the sand blackout with the best of us!
(Now technically, this is where the Wuss (Diablo) Ride breaks off from the El Diablo Run and we head into another direction... but for those of you still determined to make it out of Mexico alive, here's where the pack is scheduled to head...
SAT: Breakfast burros then pack up and ride to Ensenada Ride at your own pace but everyone should be across and into Ensenada around noon (not likely, but people always underestimate travel times, so whatever...). Once at the Villa Marina hotel, try to shower off the crabs, everyone hangs out at the pool for more tacos and beers.
SUNDAY: Full day at the pool with awards at night
MONDAY: Breakfast burros and head back to the Father Land.
What to Pack
Check the weather before you depart. The weather varies from 70-90 degrees with lows of 50-60 at night. You are closer to the equator in Baja so make sure to pack a higher SPF that is sweat proof.
Packing list of commonly forgotten items:
Passport (You are FUCKED without it if you get into any serious legal trouble; murder, etc.)
Reserve gas bottle (a lot of people run out of gas, count on it. Even the last gas station on the road to San Felipe isn't enough to make it all the way without a reserve bottle for small peanut tanks. Truth.)
Your bike takes Gasoline, NOT Diesel... make sure you read the label on the machine before pumping it into your bike. Colored nozzles are not the same in Mexico as they are in America.
Tools to fix bike on side of road (tighten bolts, etc.)(I have yet to see a flatbed wrecker in Mexico, so don't expect any tows outside of pickup trucks.... did you bring a ramp?)
Sleeping bag (washable, because you'll be barfing in it when you blackout)
Headlamp (cause one's not enough, it's going to fall off your bike 20 miles into Mexican roads)
Tent (to hide your wallet, gear, etc. while your getting your "beached whale" on with 50 other dudes)
Lighter (to start a emergency signal fire when you get lost, and because Frankenstien hates fire!)
Bottle opener (because even the drunkest people have trouble opening cans well into the party)
Sweat proof SPF (you're still gonna burn if the sun is out.)
SPF chap stick (you'll look something akin to a crack smoking lobster when you come home and everyone's going to gasp, "Oh My God. Are you Okay???"
Ear plugs (for the screaming and fireworks at night... they NEVER stop)
Advil (for the headaches listening to M80's blast all night next to your tent)
Multi Pass (for when you're ready to leave planet Earth for good...)
Don't leave your belonging on the beach when you go into the water (they will steal your shit, just ask Old Gold Garage)
Don't bring illegal weapons into Mexico. No guns. You will be searched several times at Military Checkpoints along the way... they might just pat you down, or as in some cases, want you to empty your saddle backs and inspect all your belonging. How embarrassing will it be when they find your "Latin Fleshlight" you just picked up in Tijuana?
First Aid Kit (what are you plannig on getting cut?)
Battery Charger (because someone is going to need it, they always do...)
Extra Long Condoms (you don't know where that Donkey has been....)
Below are some different price ranges for what you can expect to spend
$30-50 a day will get you a couple of beers and some meals consisting of rice, beans, and the runs.
$150 a day will get you about 10 beers and some better food (still contains the runs)
$500 a day and you are drinking and eating pretty much anything you want (minus Hookers but probably a lapdance)
$1500+ and you are probably engaging in some sort of debauchery that you might regret (Luchador themed Midget Hookers included, the best tar heroin money can buy, fake passports, abortions, food while incarcerated in a Mexican prison and protection money.)
Bribes; $40 works pretty well of you blow a STOP SIGN, and there's a lot of them, not always visible, trust me I know..., so expect to get lit up and pulled over.
$100 can usually bribe your way out of a DUI and might even get you a Policia Escort back to camp if you get lost Friday night after leaving the Stripper Bar. In Ensendada, you'll probably pay a little more.
Sexual Favors are not unheard of, so keep your options open.
And the final bit of advice…
Go over your bike for about a dozen times and check to make sure all your critical bolts are tight (once is never enough), belt/chain is not loose, brakes are working, lights are operable, and fluids are topped off. Practice strapping your gear to your bike before the week before the event, then decide what you can reasonably abandon in Mexico when you have to high tail it back across the border before you get caught. This seems simple, but can whoop your ass in the last hours before the Wussride. Know the route and keep a printed copy of a map on you at all times. Sharpie Markers wash off in Ocean Water so don't rely on your Prisonbreak education to get you out of Mexico. Lastly, we encourage you to call up everyone you know not attending and rub it into their face, several times over the course of the next few weeks, that you're going to Mexico and they're na na na na na na not. This works in two ways; when you don't come back, people will notice. You don't want to end up like Aron Ralston do you? Fuck That. And second, it'll give you Street Cred amongst your loser friends who make up the lamest excuses (which we've all heard before) about how they can't go... "Oh, I broke my LEG. I can't make it" etc. etc.
Well, you've reached the successful point when you show up somewhere and they ask if you're "on the Wuss Run?" That's exactly what happened at Slab City when from the burner baking in the sun at the entrance (abandoned) guard shack. He said a Lizard told him in a bunk peyote dream to expect us... he also asked for $5., I gave him a t-shirt and a beer.
By the start of the official un-official Wuss Ride 2013, nicknamed the Wuss "Diablo" Ride, we had a solid 18 riders, even if a few of them were by complete chance... or had the same "bright" idea we had.
Knowing out Beef Jerky Curse (never, under any circumstances travel with ANY beef jerky or you will have break downs and bad luck), the official snack food of the Wuss Ride is Hazzard County Boiled Peanuts (courtesy of Mikey B., from the Gasser Lounge) who had them shipped out especially for this trip.
Team Hazzard Apparel available for all Lady Hump Institue Team Members attending this years El Diablo Run along the Wuss Diablo Ride course... from Redondo Beach, CA. to points South that have not yet been spoken...
The most excellent Alan Stedman came through again with this events artwork. Lady Hump had a twisted vision (which is always the case) of the official imagry and Stedman made his dreams into a reality, yet agian... because he's one stand up Cat with the ink, you know it.
We've had our massive wrap party thanks to Dan Collins from Old Gold Garage Co. who provided the Dreamstone. A little red neck BBQ Vienna Snausages H'orderves with some pink wine bitchees. None of this would have been possible had Biltwell not thrown us a green light, and how do you tell retards not to do something they have their mind set on doing when it's near impossible to tell them their right hand from their wrong? So big thanks Biltwell and all the WUSS ARMY regulars and new recruits who ventured on our Second Annual festival de' disgrace! We'll be back when the need arises or the emissions run marathon nocturnal. See you in your dreams ....
The HQ is powering down, but we'll leave the lights on cause we're stupid like that!
Last year we made Wuss Skatedecks as Award Prizes to cement in memory a few of the hardy beefy Wuss Riders who attended our first ever non-official ride to last years Slab City Riot 2. The winners last year went to Old Gold / Tiffany for being the only female rider to ride solo the entire route (on half a Sportster no less! Word up!), and to both Wompy and Lucifer who both crashed along the route. This year we figured, NO crashing awards but it gave us the idea to make Award Helmets as something you could hang in your garage or clubhouse just as easy as a skate deck. So what should we paint on them? "How about giant pussies!?" Perfect.
So after a short discussion on the potential candidates for awards this year, MC Kit and myself decided upon the following; The first Pussy Helmet went to two-peat winner Lucifer, because this dude is bad ass. He rode from the South Bay area through the heaviest of rainstorms to the Wuss Ride meeting place, and the entire length of the Wuss Ride (still raining), in nothing but a pair of Dickies Shorts and a Pushead Sweatshirt. Forget the leather, forget the heated rain gauntlets, forget boots. This dude wore low top adidas (or something) WITHOUT SOCKS! We weren't going to the beach! I think he lost both his cell phone, video camera and digital camera due to water damage too. Sorry about that Lucifer but thanks for coming out and NEVER ONCE uttering a negative word about the rain, chill, freezing conditions, visibility lack-there-of, or anything even remotely negative. Stand up, you earned it again!
The second Award Helmet was more of a "Thanks Helmet" for the silent Wuss partner, Mr. Alan Stedman, the absolutely fantastic artist who takes our childish scribbles and confused ideas and turns them into pure artistic wonderment. You've seen his Dice magazine cover and cut out biker-doll clothing, Wuss Route Maps and Bandanas and our (now vandalized) blog Header, his stuff is top notch. How one pulls gold out of a dead horses ass is beyond me, but this guy can draw like a Mother Wusser'! If you need ART, designs, logos, graphic design, color separation, maps, etc., this is your go to guy. Contact him through his own business HERE: www.alanstedman.com
The second Pussy Helmet went to the entire clan of theInland Empires NEVER-READYS! Ryan Dunns photographs blow me away ever time, but this group of riders amazed us at their show of force presence for the Wuss Ride. Not only did they BBQ for the entire weekend, offer any and all attendees some free grub at all hours of the day or night, offer up other riders without a tent some floor space inside their support trailer (you know, some dudes thought, I'll just throw a blanket on the ground and crash. Not so easy to due in chilly wind!), bring a truck-load of firewood, shared the firewood, but they also took the brunt of the attention from the local law enforcement visitations. The best story was the Sheriff or other(?) who approached them and inquired if they were the Rioter's who were planning on conducting an illegal gambling event over an organized mosh pit with weapons, because they "fit the profile." Jesus, how do you keep a straight face when the Coctagon has become something you "fit the profile" of?
We gave the third and final Helmet Award, the "Gapping Sphinkster" to the Biltwell crew for cancelling the Slab City Riot 3. I don't know for sure, if they did or didn't come up and accept the award. I know, I wouldn't have! But one way or another, it made it into their humble hands. And all kidding aside, Biltwell is the Best, I love them. Thanks Bill, McGoo, and Mike D., for everything that you do, and the sponsors who supported the Slab City Riot even though it transformed into something completely different than expected, but in my opinion better and funner! I'm curious where you'll display your well deserved hard earned award next time I stop by the HQ?
Some unsaid thanks; There's a lot of people who had their fingers in the Wuss Ride cookie jar, and we'd like to thank you for everything you did. This was something that we were doing for fun from the announcement of a third Slab City Riot and as hoped, it was fun. Real fun. Because you participated and joined the Wuss Army! Thanks again, everyone.
If anyone deserves some credit, and credit where credits due, there were more elements at work putting this non-event together than one might first expect. The guy named Alan (yes, another Alan! Because let's face it, Alans are kick-ass! and thanks for the info CRFyou) who put this Van together made my morning during the Wuss Ride initial gathering on Friday. When this beast rolled up, I figured, rain -or- not, we're going to really really have a good time. Thanks for the effort guys! Hope the neighbors understood, this IS how we show our love for motorcycles; tagging up the sides of our vans! ha ha ha.
I'm going to throw out a big thanks to the Gas Station attendant who allowed 50 plus bikers over a hour or so period, some came, others left, more came, etc. to hang out inside her little shop and dry off and warm up. She didn't have to be as nice as she was and it was really appreciated! We altered the route last minute, nullifying any worth other than sentimental value that the Map-Bandanas held and this was our one and only stop along the new Wuss Route. Just over the half way point I guess. Plus there was a little break in the rain, so it was great. Another massive thanks go out to the guys from Biltwell who showed up for the Wuss Ride and brought along with them enough clear face shields handing them back at the Swing Inn, out to any rider in need, and there were more than a few, ha ha, dozens who later told that the face shield "IT SAVED MY LIFE MAN!!!!" Serious thanks!