Saturday, May 9, 2015

We're Back... just like your Genital Herpes!

Hello Dirtbags and Ladies with dark red lipstick, we're bacccckkkkkkk!!!!!

...and we're here to WUSS YOU UP!!!

Biltwell’s El Diablo Run is coming up quick and we are sooooo excited to once again Wuss-y-Sponsor this year’s ride, although for legal reasons, we must add that this article and any information contained within is not approved by nor has any permission been give by anyone affiliated with Biltwell or any actual event. If it’s your first time riding down to San Felipe or wherever you end up lost, don’t be nervous Dirtbags. We will run you through what to expect, schedule of events with an up to date bail schedule, what weapons to pack and not-pack, common bribes, and a few other useful tips to keep you alive.

What to Expect

It’s Mexico. Welcome to the Third World; Drug Cartels, Cheech Marin, Chihuahuas, Cactus, The Dodgers, Monte Zuma and his Revenge Quartet, Donkey Shows and Painted Zebras. They beat people with Baseball Bats and cut off their arms and legs and heads with Machetes. They also lead the world in Telenovelas, a very popular form of television programs, much like your Mom's Harlequin Romance novels, only it's on television all day long on every channel. Phones typically don’t have the best service or any service at all. Can you live without WiFi? ...You will. Road conditions vary so keep an eye out for sand, massive pot holes (which have been known to swallow small children coming home from school), and turns without signage. The Wuss Ride encourages the smartest thing in every outdoor adventure; the "buddy system" with another rider or groups of riders, especially in groups of all males where no one wants to ask for directions (and probably no one speaks Spanish anyway) Have a plan if you break down. That's the MOST IMPORANT THING YOU NEED. What are you going to do when your bike takes a shit in Mexico? If you have an answer for that, you're good. If you think you're going to "wing it" well, alright then, enjoy the White Slave Market of the Middle East. Usually people will stop if you wave them down for immediate assistance but don’t be too much of a dipshit tourist in distress, be smart, cover your own ass, and ALWAYS carry extra gas. It is highly recommend to get insurance such as BAJA BOUND as your American moto insurance is no good in Mexico. Last time I checked AAA doesn't even go to Mexico (they don't, that's sarcasm) Print one copy to leave at home when your relatives try to find you and another on your body for the authorities to match. Mexico has an entirely different government and a different way of life that you may or may not agree with. Just stick with your group and keep your cool. I highly doubt you will have any issues until you start drinking but just be aware of your surroundings just as you would in any other city in America.

Schedule of Biltwell Events

THURSDAY: Ride to San Felipe. This is where the free camping is, first come first served. There will be tacos and beers at the camp’s watering hole “Ruben’s Campo” and people drinking and raising "Holy Hell" all night, insto the night, through the night, and well into morning. If you are the type that needs your beauty sleep, you're fucked.

FRIDAY: KEEP DRINKING!! The Ocean Tide is going to come in and wash out to sea all the drunk people who fell asleep on the beach and those still partying will be bobbing around the shallows like a herd of Beached Whales (men and women alike) Full day of activities are planned via Biltwell. They have a whole schedule and you are encouraged to join in on the fun! Mix, mingle, pick up more STD's than you ever thought possible and have a face down in the sand blackout with the best of us!

(Now technically, this is where the Wuss (Diablo) Ride breaks off from the El Diablo Run and we head into another direction... but for those of you still determined to make it out of Mexico alive, here's where the pack is scheduled to head...

SAT: Breakfast burros then pack up and ride to Ensenada Ride at your own pace but everyone should be across and into Ensenada around noon (not likely, but people always underestimate travel times, so whatever...). Once at the Villa Marina hotel, try to shower off the crabs, everyone hangs out at the pool for more tacos and beers. 
SUNDAY: Full day at the pool with awards at night
MONDAY: Breakfast burros and head back to the Father Land.

What to Pack

Check the weather before you depart. The weather varies from 70-90 degrees with lows of 50-60 at night. You are closer to the equator in Baja so make sure to pack a higher SPF that is sweat proof.
Packing list of commonly forgotten items:
  • Passport  (You are FUCKED without it if you get into any serious legal trouble; murder, etc.)
  • insurance papers
  • Reserve gas bottle (a lot of people run out of gas, count on it. Even the last gas station on the road to San Felipe isn't enough to make it all the way without a reserve bottle for small peanut tanks. Truth.)
  • Your bike takes Gasoline, NOT Diesel... make sure you read the label on the machine before pumping it into your bike. Colored nozzles are not the same in Mexico as they are in America.
  • Tools to fix bike on side of road (tighten bolts, etc.)(I have yet to see a flatbed wrecker in Mexico, so don't expect any tows outside of pickup trucks.... did you bring a ramp?)
  • Sleeping bag (washable, because you'll be barfing in it when you blackout)
  • Headlamp (cause one's not enough, it's going to fall off your bike 20 miles into Mexican roads)
  • Tent (to hide your wallet, gear, etc. while your getting your "beached whale" on with 50 other dudes)
  • Lighter (to start a emergency signal fire when you get lost, and because Frankenstien hates fire!)
  • Bottle opener (because even the drunkest people have trouble opening cans well into the party)
  • Sweat proof SPF (you're still gonna burn if the sun is out.)
  • SPF chap stick (you'll look something akin to a crack smoking lobster when you come home and everyone's going to gasp, "Oh My God. Are you Okay???"
  • Ear plugs (for the screaming and fireworks at night... they NEVER stop)
  • Advil (for the headaches listening to M80's blast all night next to your tent)
  • Multi Pass (for when you're ready to leave planet Earth for good...)
  • Don't leave your belonging on the beach when you go into the water (they will steal your shit, just ask Old Gold Garage)
  • Don't bring illegal weapons into Mexico. No guns. You will be searched several times at Military Checkpoints along the way... they might just pat you down, or as in some cases, want you to empty your saddle backs and inspect all your belonging. How embarrassing will it be when they find your "Latin Fleshlight" you just picked up in Tijuana? 
  • First Aid Kit (what are you plannig on getting cut?)
  • Battery Charger (because someone is going to need it, they always do...)
  • Extra Long Condoms (you don't know where that Donkey has been....)


Below are some different price ranges for what you can expect to spend 
    • $30-50 a day will get you a couple of beers and some meals consisting of rice, beans, and the runs.
    • $150 a day will get you about 10 beers and some better food (still contains the runs)
    • $500 a day and you are drinking and eating pretty much anything you want (minus Hookers but probably a lapdance)
    • $1500+ and you are probably engaging in some sort of debauchery that you might regret (Luchador themed Midget Hookers included, the best tar heroin money can buy, fake passports, abortions, food while incarcerated in a Mexican prison and protection money.)
    • Bribes; $40 works pretty well of you blow a STOP SIGN, and there's a lot of them, not always visible, trust me I know..., so expect to get lit up and pulled over.
    • $100 can usually bribe your way out of a DUI and might even get you a Policia Escort back to camp if you get lost Friday night after leaving the Stripper Bar. In Ensendada, you'll probably pay a little more.
    • Sexual Favors are not unheard of, so keep your options open.

And the final bit of advice…

Go over your bike for about a dozen times and check to make sure all your critical bolts are tight (once is never enough), belt/chain is not loose, brakes are working, lights are operable, and fluids are topped off. Practice strapping your gear to your bike before the week before the event, then decide what you can reasonably abandon in Mexico when you have to high tail it back across the border before you get caught. This seems simple, but can whoop your ass in the last hours before the Wussride. Know the route and keep a printed copy of a map on you at all times. Sharpie Markers wash off in Ocean Water so don't rely on your Prisonbreak education to get you out of Mexico. Lastly, we encourage you to call up everyone you know not attending and rub it into their face, several times over the course of the next few weeks, that you're going to Mexico and they're na na na na na na not. This works in two ways; when you don't come back, people will notice. You don't want to end up like Aron Ralston do you? Fuck That. And second, it'll give you Street Cred amongst your loser friends who make up the lamest excuses (which we've all heard before) about how they can't go... "Oh, I broke my LEG. I can't make it" etc. etc.

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